Pragmatic Lens

This week is Baby loss awareness; taking the taboo out of openly talking about a loss of their all-to-brief lives.

People's reaction to a loss of a baby isn't always what you would expect. A lot of people don't know what to say or do to try and help. Though they are trying to not say the wrong thing or to cause more harm, it leaves you feeling alone with no one to talk to.

I have experienced two types of loss with an infant, my nephew of five months and my unborn child. Both under completely different circumstances but what I grieve is still the same, "what would have been".

For my nephew it was hard, it was the first time I experienced a loss of a baby, though he wasn't my child the ache it gave was unbearable. I got to know him, I held him, I tickled him, made him smile, laugh and I got to see into his big beautiful blue eyes and say I love you. He was taken from this earth, unwillingly and too young, but I got a glimpse at his personality, his unconditional love, his happiness and that left too many what if's, too many could of been's. That is the hardest part, accepting that you will never know.

You are always taught in school that the effect of an abortion is devastating and it is. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, to not meet my own child, our chid and even harder to live with that decision. I always wonder what they could have been like, if it were a boy or girl, what kind of parents would we be, what career would they have chosen, what colour of their eyes would be. It leaves you with so many unanswered questions, but the worst part is the social controversy around this subject.

The taboo about abortion makes it that much harder to deal with. When I found out, I wanted to confide in people, my family and friends but the social controversy on the subject makes you unable to do so. I had a fear of saying "Im pregnant" and people jumping in with congratulations!. I had a fear of telling my family, I had a fear of what was happening to my body, I had a fear that people would now judge me as a bad person. Which shouldn't be the case as about a third of Australian women will have an abortion and will experience feelings of judgment.

Loss is apart of life, accepting loss when a life hasn't been lived is hard, but its harder to not be able to openly speak about it, it allows for us to heal and seek guidance in the hard times.

#Break the silence.

Have you ever been afraid of your own brain? I am. Why? Well that requires essays. But to some it up, it comes from the fear of becoming my sister. That thought alone turns me into an anxious mess. My sister, oh my my sister. Our relationship was never like other siblings. I remember the first time I went to someone else's house and realised that what she did wasn't normal. Siblings argue, maybe a little physical, but my sister tormented me. I went to school countless times without shoes and my bags because taking them was funny.I remember times waking up with her standing over my bed with sharp objects. I use to go to school with black eyes and lie about walking into poles. I was the kid with the terrifying sister. I was the kid no one wanted to talk to. Though that doesn't answers why I am afraid. We share the same disorder, Borderline personality. We are not the same person but we share very similar traits, beyond typical sibling commonality. My sister terrifies me, but me becoming her is worse. My sister is a murderer, the worst kind. The kind that prays on the weak. The kind that shows no remorse. The kind that gets away with it (lawfully). The kind that uses mental health as an excuse. The kind that makes the law believe it's an excuse. This is why I am scared.